


Stronger

by Gnomecat



Category: Homeland
Genre: Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2018-12-20 12:55:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11921364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gnomecat/pseuds/Gnomecat
Summary: A re-imagining of the end of Season 4. Carrie still goes to Missouri, but the phone call ends differently and Quinn doesn’t leave. They meet up and (spoiler alert) there is a happy ending. This is how I see it happening....UPDATE!! Bonus chapter 6 added for HALLOWEEN. Who will they dress up as for Maggie's party??





	1. The morning after the night before

Quinn woke up with a jolt and it took a second for him to remember where he was. He sat up and stretched his arms and legs out as far as he could in the confines of the back seat of the car. He was parked on a wide tree-lined street and was surrounded by large houses; all with perfectly manicured lawns and some with flags flapping in the breeze. There was no doubt about where he was- he was back in America. 

The sun was just rising and the sky was a hazy mixture of orange, pink and blue. It had rained in the night and the sidewalk and the trees which lined the sidewalk were glistening in the morning light. The birds were singing but otherwise everything was quiet. There were no people about and there was no traffic. He stared at the scene for a while, taking in the colours, the greens, the blues, the trees, and the birds. It felt peaceful. He felt peaceful. It was a strange feeling. 

He checked his phone. No calls or messages. It was early and Carrie was probably still asleep. Carrie. In that instant his thoughts changed from contemplating his surroundings to remembering the events of yesterday. He wondered what she was thinking. Last night had been confusing. The whole damn day had been confusing. 

He hadn’t even been sure about going to the funeral in the first place. It had been Max who had given him the details and urged him to go. He had been surprised at the insistency and emotion in Max’s voice. ‘She wants you there’ Max had told him.’ You need to be there for her. Don’t have any regrets.’ 

So he had gone. His plan had been to stand on the side-line and observe from a distance. He hadn’t expected her to run over to him and hold him so tightly. Hadn’t imagined being in a situation where he could hold her close and rub her back to comfort her. Couldn’t have predicted the shake in her voice as she told him how relieved she was to see him. Relieved to see him? In the seconds before she noticed him he had been completely unsure about whether she wanted him there at all. The fact that she had been relieved and happy to see him was pretty fucking unbelievable. 

He replayed the hug in his mind, lingering on the details: the feel of her heartbeat against his chest, the touch of her hair against his cheek, the movement of her hands on his back. He let the memory play on through the rest of the day. He had played with Franny, looked through old photo albums of Carrie’s family, made polite small talk with strangers and pretended, for a few moments anyway, that he was a normal person with a normal life. Yes- he was Carrie’s friend. Yes- he knew her from work. Yes- Franny was adorable. No- he didn’t know Franny’s father. Some of Carrie’s father’s friends were definitely very nosy. Time skipped ahead to the evening. Things were a little more blurry. Whisky. Lasagne. More whisky. Talking. Laughing. 

He couldn’t remember when Lockhart and Saul had left the table, didn’t really remember saying goodbye, but at some point it had ended up being just the two of them. Surprisingly the conversation had been easy. It had been a long time since he had talked so long to anyone about anything not directly related to work, but they had talked about everything and nothing at the same time. Nothing personal and nothing difficult, but somehow it was all important. Free and easy, smiles and laughter. 

It had been a complete shock when Maggie had approached the table and he had looked around and realised that the garden and house were empty around them. Shock had turned to disappointment and then quickly to awkwardness. Things had gone quiet. Carrie had stopped smiling and bit her lip instead. She had stood up from the table, saying something about checking on Franny, and with barely a backward glance had left him sitting there alone, conscious of Maggie’s eyes on him. He had picked up the plates and glasses and followed Maggie inside, all the while wondering if she would come back down to say goodbye. He had barely noticed Maggie handing him a towel or paid much attention to drying the dishes. 

But she had come back downstairs. She had said goodbye and then…. The kiss. 

The Kiss. Not expected or planned at all but in that moment it had just felt right. Just like the whole evening, the whole day before it, had felt right. She had definitely kissed him back at first. Until she had pulled away. He remembered seeing the panic in her eyes. He had panicked too. Certainly hadn’t meant to say some of what he had said afterwards. But the strange thing was he didn’t regret it. It was all true. 

Personal relationships caused complications and he had spent most of his life avoiding them. If you didn’t connect with anyone, you couldn’t hurt them and you couldn’t be hurt in return. Isolating himself made it easier to do what he did. And for the most part it had been easy. He had never minded being on his own. He had always felt awkward around people and found it difficult to converse with them. He had always felt like an outsider, always saying the wrong things. It was easier to stay silent and he learned more from listening anyway. But with Carrie it was different. There was a connection between them. There always had been. Right from the start. Just thinking about it he felt a spark of excitement. A sudden surge of adrenaline. He wanted to get out of the car, run over to the next street, knock on Maggie’s door right now, take her in his arms and….

A movement outside the car distracted his attention. A tabby cat was stealthily making its way along the sidewalk in front of his car towards a group of birds pulling up worms on one of the wet lawns. He watched as it stalked low to the ground, staying close to the bushes, and moving in short calculated steps before stopping and waiting. It was perfectly still except for its tail which was twitching madly. It reminded him of… no... He realised what was coming and tried to block it out but the memories came flooding into his brain anyway. Missions, dust, sand, and dirt. Creeping up on targets. Heat, stress, danger. He felt his heart rate rise and panic build up in his chest. He clenched his fists, shut his eyes and tried to stop the thoughts. Not again, not now. He tried to think back to last night and focus on the positive thoughts and on his newfound hope. He opened his eyes again to see the cat darting forwards and jumping wildly in the air. It was a hugely ambitious leap. The cat’s paws were extended wildly and its mouth was wide open, but it missed and all the birds scattered unharmed. 

He took a deep breath and tried to focus on the cat as it stretched and then sat back down to wash first its left ear and then all four of its paws in a slow unconcerned manner. Halfway through washing its back hind paw the cat was suddenly distracted by its own tail, which was still twitching, and began to whirl around in pursuit of it. Capturing it, biting it, and then whirling around again. Head over tail. 

Despite everything he smiled and began to feel a bit calmer. It felt disconcerting to go from feeling such a high to such a low. But while the feeling of happiness might be new, the low feeling wasn’t. These moments of panic had become more frequent in recent months. Usually this was the point where he would reach for the bottle and drink all the thoughts away, but this time he didn’t feel tempted to do that- and not just because it wasn’t even 7am yet. That certainly hadn’t stopped him before. No. This time he felt stronger. He didn’t want to block it out, he realised he wanted to try to deal with it. He was safe, he was home and he didn’t have to go back there. It was his choice and his decision. He could leave it all behind. He thought back to Carrie’s smile last night. He could do it. It wouldn’t be easy but he could work hard to get through it. Maybe, just maybe, they could do it together. 

He looked around. The street was still quiet with no signs of human life but there would probably be joggers and other people out and about soon. He should leave before anyone noticed him. 

He got out of the back of the car and waggled his fingers at the cat. It surprised him by standing up and miaowing loudly. It stretched again and then walked right up to him with another miaow. He bent down and scratched its head and ears as it rubbed around his legs. “Good morning to you too Puss.” He spoke the words out loud and then looked around self-consciously. He stood there for a few moments more enjoying the soft feel of the fur under his fingers and feeling his heart rate return back to normal. The sound of a front door slamming distracted both his and the cat’s attention. A female dressed in jogging gear exited one of the houses and began to run down the path towards him. The cat darted away. He smiled and nodded to the woman. She smiled back but he noticed the curious look on her face and her slightly raised eyebrows. It reminded him that he was still wearing the suit from yesterday. He must be a strange sight. He quickly got back into the car. 

He drummed his hands on the steering wheel. What should he do now? Coffee. Food. But first a trip to the storage locker to change clothes and freshen up. No good having morning breath if she did decide to call and invite him over. He drove to the next street, Maggie’s street, and noticed instantly that Carrie’s car wasn’t parked on the driveway. Shit. Where was she? 

Coffee helped. He idly stirred his drink and considered his situation from both sides. He thought about all the positive things which could mean her answer would be a yes. The hug, the easy conversation, the smiles, the kiss. They were all real. They all happened. But he also remembered the negatives. The panic, the excuses, the doubt. They were real too. And it wasn’t just her panic, excuses and doubt. He felt them too. “You don’t have my condition.” Maybe not, but he had issues too. His flashbacks could be triggered by something as simple as watching a cat play in the street. He needed help, they probably both needed help, but while they might be able to support each other, he realised he definitely shouldn’t pin all his future hopes on her. He had to do this for himself or it wouldn’t work. Whether her answer was yes or no he needed to get out and try to build a new life for himself. Either way that should be his priority. 

But what could he do? Thoughts about quitting and starting over were definitely not new to him and neither was the uncertainty about what he could do next. If this was going to work he needed a plan. He doodled some ideas on a napkin and came up with a mixture of sensible ideas and ridiculous ideas. He thought about places he wanted to visit and about normal everyday things he hadn’t done for years. He grabbed a new napkin and ordered the ideas into a checklist. Towards the top of the list were the fun simple things, such as seeing a movie and visiting the museums in DC, and then on to more ambitious ideas requiring more travel time. But item number one on the list, the one thing it all depended on, was scheduling and completing the damn exit interviews. He downed the final drop of his second coffee and stood up. Might as well get it started today. He checked his phone again. No calls or texts. No worry, it was still early.

It was only a slight detour to go past Maggie’s house and he couldn’t resist driving past again. Her car still wasn’t there. His confidence began to fade as doubt began to creep back into his mind. Where was she? What was she thinking?  


He pulled over in the next street away from Maggie’s house, a different street to the one he had slept in overnight, parked the car and sat for a second thinking. Music. That was what he needed- a distraction. He switched on the radio, flicking between stations rapidly. Too sad, too angry, too shouty. #What you don’t understand is I’d catch a grenade for you. Throw my hand on a blade for you..# He stopped and listened to the song for a minute, contemplating the lyrics. #Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash…# In an instant his thoughts went back to the conversation by the car last night. #To give me all your love is all I ever asked..# He began to feel a bit anxious again. Maybe this wasn’t the best song to listen to at this moment in time. He kept flicking through the stations. Ooh Britney. He remembered this song from a long time ago. #Stronger than yesterday. Now it’s nothing but my way, my loneliness ain't killing me no more. I’m stronger.# The words resonated with him and he turned up the volume up high, nodded his head to the beat and hummed along. "I'm Stronger!"

A tap on the window made him jump out of his skin. Without turning to look he turned off the radio and closed his eyes for a second. He took a deep calming breath before looking up. 

It wasn’t Carrie, but unfortunately it wasn’t a stranger either. It was Maggie with Franny in her stroller. Externally wearing a smile, but internally cursing, he rolled down the window. “Hi.”


	2. Maggie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quinn talks to Maggie....

“Good morning.” Maggie smiled back at him. 

He turned off the car engine as his brain worked rapidly to try to think up an explanation for why he was here. At least she didn't mention the music. Keep it casual he thought and rested his hands carefully on the steering wheel. He calmly looked Maggie in the eye and forced a neutral smile. “I was just driving past on my way to work and I thought I would check in on Carrie. See if she wanted anything.” 

He noticed her sympathetic expression immediately and his heart dropped. Something was wrong. He tried to control his face and hide his concern.

“Uh well, sorry but Carrie’s not here. She left the house early this morning to visit our mother….”

“Oh, ok. No problem.” He interrupted her and moved his hand to the key in the ignition, eager to make a quick escape. “I'll just give her a call later.” 

“She's in Missouri.”

“Missouri?” This time he couldn't hide his surprise. His voice gave him away. He moved his hand away from the key and placed it back on the steering wheel. 

“Do you want to come in for a coffee?” Again with the sympathetic voice. He couldn't look at her.

“No, thanks, I have...” 

“Please.” This time she interrupted him. “I'd actually like to talk to you.”

“Uh..” he stalled for time. What did she want to talk to him about? Yesterday was the first time they had met and he had barely talked to her. Just that brief chat in the kitchen at the end of the evening. He tried to recall the conversation. She had tried to talk to him about Carrie and he had explained that he couldn’t tell her anything about what had happened in Islamabad. He thought she had understood that. So what did she want to say? Was Carrie ok?

He made the mistake of looking up. One look at her face told him that he couldn’t say no. He unclipped his seat belt. “Ok thanks, coffee sounds good.” 

“Are you hungry?” She asked as they walked inside. “I have plenty of food. There’s even half a lasagne in the fridge. Who knows where that came from?!”

“I’m fine thanks. I just ate breakfast.” 

The kitchen table was covered in photo albums. “I was reminiscing,” explained Maggie, clearing a space for him to sit down. “Did you see any of these yesterday?”

“Yes, I looked through some of them. I really enjoyed the 80s fashion reminders.”

“Good for a laugh aren’t they? Excuse me for one sec.” Maggie busied around the kitchen sorting out first Franny and then the coffee. 

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, not sure what to say and feeling distinctly out of place. He looked over at Franny who hadn’t taken her eyes off him the whole time he had been there. Almost as if she was pleased to get his attention, she suddenly flapped her hands and smiled at him. The smile was infectious and he smiled back, he couldn’t help it, and before he realised what he was doing he pulled a funny face and stuck out his tongue which made her gurgle in delight. Instantly embarrassed he quickly looked over towards Maggie and breathed a silent sigh of relief when he confirmed she still had her back to him and hadn’t noticed what happened. He looked down and flipped a page in the photo album in front of him, pretended to be concentrating on the photos.

Maggie turned around at the noise and walked back to the table, squeezing Franny’s hand affectionately. “What’s up Franny? We’re looking at old photos of your mummy looking very silly- do you want to see how silly she looks too?” She turned her attention back to Quinn. “I love looking through old photos, don’t you?” 

“Uh..” He paused and thought about the small collection of photos he owned. They were not stored neatly in albums but were tucked into the pages of different books. Happy wouldn’t be the word he used to describe himself when he looked at them. Sad. Regretful. Sorry. They were more accurate descriptions but definitely not the answer he wanted to share with Maggie. Instead he said “Who doesn’t?”

Luckily she was too absorbed in the photo album to notice his subdued response. She let out a snort of laughter. “Ha ha-here’s a good one! I had totally forgotten about this! Did you see this one yesterday?”

She swung the page around so he could see it. Carrie looked about 14 years old in the photo. She was scowling and standing with her arms crossed in front of a bedroom wall which had been painted purple… badly. She had purple paint streaks on her face and clothes but most strikingly she also had bright purple hair. He raised his eyebrows in amusement and took the album from Maggie, smiling as he examined the series of photos from that day. “Wow, when she commits to something she doesn’t do it by half does she?!”

Maggie laughed again. “Tell me about it. She was meant to be studying in her room but apparently got inspired by her purple pen. She snuck out to buy the hair dye and the paint. She got paint everywhere and covered the bathroom in purple hair dye before any of us noticed what she was up to. Dad nearly had a fit. Not that he could talk about impulse decisions…” Maggie’s voice got quieter and she turned away to pour out the coffee. 

“The purple hair kinda suits her though doesn’t it? At least it wasn’t a different colour pen like, I don’t know, green. She would have looked a bit weird with green hair.” He let out a nervous laugh. It was a sub-conscious attempt to lighten the mood which clearly didn’t work. Maggie just made a small noise of agreement and didn’t turn around.

He shifted in his chair again, feeling even more awkward than before. “Is there anything I can do or help you with?” 

“No thanks. Thanks again for helping me tidy up last night.”

“No problem.” Silence again. This time he waited for her to speak. She was the one who said she wanted to talk.

After a short pause he saw her wipe her eyes and then turn around. She placed the coffees on the table and sat down opposite him. She looked like she was thinking carefully about what to say. “So I’m guessing Carrie didn’t tell you she was going to go to Missouri. She didn’t plan it and it was just a spur of the moment decision?”

“No. She didn’t. I guess it was.”

Maggie sighed. “Typical Carrie I suppose. I don’t even know why I’m surprised. Her life is full of spur of the moment ideas and rash decisions.” She waved her hand over the photo album. “The purple hair for example. That’s just one of many different incidents. Flip through these albums some more to see some other examples. Anyway, I guess I’m just worried at the timing. Did she ever talk about our mother with you?”

“No. Never.”

Maggie frowned and looked down at her coffee. There was a short pause while she seemed to be deciding what to say. “It’s been 15 years since we saw her. She just left. One day she was our mother and the next day she was gone. Just like that. No contact. Not even a birthday card. We were devastated. All three of us. But the day before yesterday she turned up at our door. Carrie sent her away immediately in no uncertain terms.” Maggie let out a small laugh and he couldn't help smiling too as he imagined the situation. “I don't know why she changed her mind about talking to her. I don't know if she wants answers or just to yell at her some more....”

“Bet you’d like to be a fly on the wall.” Another attempt to lighten the mood. He wasn’t sure if it was the right move.

This time Maggie smiled. “Yeah, I’ve got a few things I’d like to yell at her myself. Maybe that’s what’s bothering me. When she was here, Carrie didn’t give me a chance to say what I wanted to say. So maybe I should take a leaf out of her book and drive down to Missouri and join the confrontation. Bill wouldn’t be too mad at me for leaving him with the kids(!)” she added sarcastically.

He wasn’t sure what to say. “Now you know where she lives you could write her a letter.”

Maggie looked thoughtful. “You know, that’s not a bad idea. It’s certainly a better option than driving across the country. Well to me anyway, who knows what goes through Carrie’s brain sometimes.”

“It’s a mystery.” He agreed with a shrug.

There was a small silence as they both sipped their coffee. He felt Maggie’s eyes on him and looked up. She had a strange expression on her face. “Just keep an eye on her ok? I’m worried about her. I’ve tried talking to her... tried to get her to tell me what she is thinking…but….maybe she will talk to you.” Her voice got quieter again.

He looked down. “I’m not sure why you think that.”

Maggie frowned. Silence again. “Can I ask…how long have you two been together?” 

Quinn’s heart stopped for a second and he paused to compose himself before speaking. “Uh. We’re not. We’re not together. We’re just friends.”

“Oh...” Maggie’s eyes widened and she put her hand over her mouth. “Sorry… I just thought.. I have to admit….” She paused and took a breath. “Let me explain. I was dreading the funeral and dreading Carrie’s reaction. I didn’t know what was going to happen, what she was going to do or how she was going to react. I wanted to keep an eye on her. But last night she seemed so, I don’t know, relaxed? At first I was worried but then I noticed that the two of you seemed so comfortable together. You talked for ages outside at the table, I was watching you. She looked so happy. So, well, I was curious. I spied on you again out the window while you said goodbye in the street. I saw you… ”

He didn't know quite how to respond. Part of him just wanted to end the conversation, get up and leave the house and drive away. But another part of him wanted to talk about it and gauge Maggie’s opinion. He paused and tried to compose his thoughts. His words came out slowly, a jumbled mess reflecting his confused thoughts.

“We have worked together for a little while and we were, we are, just colleagues.. friends..well sort of friends. But last night…as we said goodbye. Well, you saw. It just happened and in that moment it felt right. I think she thought so too, in that moment, but then....she had doubts.” He looked down at his coffee. “So yeah, that's why I'm here. To talk about it with her. Things are complicated. You know. Her life is complicated. So is mine.” He stole a glance at Maggie. She was listening intently and nodding sympathetically. 

He kept talking. “Maybe I thought that it doesn't have to be so complicated. But I guess it was bad timing. Now I don't know.” He suddenly felt he had said too much and felt a bit awkward and exposed. 

“Hey,” said Maggie gently. “There is no such thing as bad timing. If we all waited for the right moment for everything we would never get anything done.”

“Yeah.” It actually made sense. 

“You don’t know what she is thinking. Just give her time. But obviously you need to call her. Tell her to get her ass back here and talk about it with you.”

“Yeah.” Again, it was all he could manage to say.

“Don’t tell her it was me who told you where she was though, or that I spied on you. She would kill me if she knew I had talked to you like this. I’m so sorry I put you on the spot... ”

“It’s fine.” It was. Just sitting here in Maggie’s kitchen having a normal conversation reminded him of last night. The feeling of family. 

“You seem like a nice guy. Don’t let her give you any shit.” 

A nice guy. The words rolled around in his head. Not exactly true. That was what he wanted to say. Instead he just said “I won’t.”

They sat for a few moments more but he couldn’t relax and the urge to escape felt overwhelming. “Thanks for the coffee, but I should go.” 

“Ok. Good luck. And hey thanks for listening to me, I needed that. I think I will write that letter.” She smiled at him. 

Quinn nodded and smiled back. Thank you too he thought silently. 

She walked him to the door and waved as he walked away. “Hope we see you again soon.”

“Yeah. I hope so.” 

He sat in the car for a few minutes, processing what he had just learned. Missouri? She drove all the way to Missouri? Shit. What on earth did that mean? But as Maggie said, this was Carrie. She made impulsive decisions, he didn’t need to see the photo albums to know that. It wasn’t necessarily a bad sign. Right? He shook his head. Checked his phone. She had to call him at some point. He thought back to his list. This was meant to be about him. This wasn’t about Carrie. This was about him changing his life.  


He started the car and turned the radio back on. He scrolled though the stations again, looking for something cheery but perhaps with a bit more guitars this time… #Yeah, I know how you want her but she’s so mean. (You’ll never let her go, why don’t you let her go?)…# He turned the volume up again and air drummed on the steering wheel as he drove away.

Next up: The phone call...


	3. The phone call

The first thing he did after leaving Maggie’s house was hand in his notice and schedule the exit interviews. That was item number one on his list and it felt good to tick it off. He scanned the list for something else that would be easy to accomplish that afternoon. He decided that seeing a movie would be a good option as it would be a distraction from his thoughts. It didn’t really work though and he spent most of the two hours analysing his conversation with Maggie.

It was late in the afternoon when he walked out of the movie theatre. He decided to go to his storage locker first to pick up his bag of clothes and toiletries before checking into a hotel. The bag was right at the front of the storage room. He picked it up and walked straight back out again before stopping and changing his mind. He had spent the afternoon thinking about the past, he might as well take a minute longer to look at some actual evidence from it.

He went to the back of the locker to the small box which contained all the personal items he had collected and saved over his entire life. It was a bit sad to think that it only filled one box…. Well almost. One of the items was propped up next to it. A skateboard. He had spent so much time messing about on that thing when he was younger. He remembered racing all the neighbourhood kids down the steep hill by his house. He’d remained undefeated. Nobody ever dared go as fast as him. He rolled the skateboard back and forth with his foot and was almost tempted to try a few tricks on it in the corridor outside the locker. Almost. 

He opened the box and picked up the copy of Great Expectations which was lying on the top. The photos of John Jr were tucked neatly into the middle of the book. Julia sent him a new photo every year, and every year included a note asking him if he wanted her to stop sending them. He never replied to her, but had also never found it easy to look at the photos. He looked through each one carefully and then put them back into the book.

He delved further through the box. The book had been sitting on top of a novelty hat that Astrid had stolen from the head of a fellow drunken reveller one New Year’s Eve. Under the hat were some more books, several T Shirts with 80s slogans and cartoon characters on them which he had no idea why he had kept, a battered and dented toy car, and his Walkman and collection of homemade cassette mixes. He smiled at the chunky item which had once been his prized possession (other than the skateboard). It had rarely been out of his hand. He had walked around listening to the same songs over and over and had sometimes sat by the radio all day waiting for his favourite songs to play so he could record them. 

The final item in the box was another book. A copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He cautiously flicked through the pages until he found what he was looking for: an envelope containing three photos, the only photos he had of his real family. He opened the envelope.

The one on the top was of him and his grandfather- the man who raised him until he was ten years old. The photo had been taken on his eighth birthday and he was holding the copy of Charlie and the Chocolate factory in one hand and a huge bar of chocolate in the other. He had adored his grandfather and the photo brought back a lot of happy memories.

The second photo was of his grandfather and grandmother, their arms around each other, standing on the front porch of their house. He didn’t have many memories of his grandmother, she had died four years before his grandfather when he had only been six years old, but the memories he did have were of her warmth and caring towards him. 

The third photo was of him as a small baby being held by his mother. He didn’t really remember her at all and the few brief things he could recall about her visits were all bad- tension, arguments, and alcohol. For a brief moment he wondered if she was still alive, but then stopped that thought and switched the order of the photos back so the photo of his grandfather was on the top. 

He stared at the photo for a long time. He had loved his grandfather and felt loved in return. That was all that mattered. He felt glad he had looked at the photos but still, that was enough nostalgia for one day. He placed the photos back in the envelope, put them back in the book, and then put everything back in the box. 

He remained lost in thought as he walked back to his car. Why was he doing this to himself? Why was he suddenly thinking so much about the past? He hadn’t looked at these photos or spent too much time thinking about his childhood in years. Why was it bothering him so much now? 

The distraction meant that he spotted a second too late that an unwanted visitor was waiting for him by his car. Fuck. It was Rob. For the second time in two days he hadn’t noticed somebody watching him. He knew that Adal wasn’t going to let him off the hook so easily and he should have anticipated a visit like this. He made a mental note to change location for his locker.

“I guess good news travels fast.” He said as a greeting as soon as he had got close enough.

“Adal is pissed.”

“I don’t care.”

Rob shook his head. “Are you really quitting?”

“Yes.”

Rob sighed. “Adal wanted me to tell you that there is another mission. It leaves tomorrow. He wants you to reconsider and I do too. The group needs you. You’re too good at this to walk away from it. You know we need your skills.”

“You’ll have to figure something else out because I’m not going.”

“Come on snap out of it. You can’t be serious. What will you do?”

“This and that. I’ve got plans.”

“What do you want me to tell Adal?”

“Tell him whatever you want. I don’t care.”

“I guess you can be the one to deliver these then.” Rob held out wad of letters.

“No. I’m not doing it. Find someone else. You owe me. Or had you forgotten? I’m calling in that favour.”

Rob took a step back and lowered his hand. “No. I haven’t forgotten.” He looked Quinn up and down and there was a long pause. “Ok fine. I’ll give you this one and I’ll even try to get Adal off your back for the next few days. But you will be back. I know it. You know it.”

“I won’t. This time it’s for good. Goodbye Rob.”

“Whatever. It’s a shame man. Take care of yourself…. and watch your back.” He turned and walked away without a backward glance.

Quinn watched him leave feeling a little bit surprised. His words could easily be perceived as a threat but they almost sounded genuine. 

 

He drove around for a little while until he was sure he wasn’t being followed again, grabbed a burger for dinner, drove around some more, and then when he was absolutely certain he wasn’t being watched he checked into a hotel. A very nice hotel- nobody would think to look for him there. It had been a long time since he had stayed anywhere so luxurious. No weird stains, smells, or nasty hairs in the bathtub here. He had a long shower and tried out all the complimentary cosmetics provided- lathering up and wrinkling his nose at the odd fruity smell. 

After the shower he wrapped himself in the fluffy white robe and then flopped backwards on the bed and spread out like a star, staring at the ceiling. The bed was extremely comfy. He rolled over and checked his phone. No missed calls. He looked at the time and did a quick calculation- it would be early evening in Missouri. He stared at the phone in his hand for a few moments, finger hovering over the call button, before putting it down and staring at the ceiling again contemplating his day. 

A day of mixed emotions. It had started well. The talk with Maggie had been largely positive, he had felt invigorated by handing in his notice, and the movie wasn’t too bad. But the time at the storage locker had been unsettling and the encounter with Rob, and the reminder that by quitting he was letting the group down, had tipped the balance to the negative side. He turned his head slightly. The minibar had a see-through door and the miniature bottles looked very tempting. Maybe just one…

He sat up and was halfway over to the minibar when the phone rang startling him out of his thoughts. Heart pounding he picked up the phone, glanced at the caller ID and took a deep breath. This was it. He willed his voice to stay calm. “Hey Carrie.”

“Quinn. Hi.”

Silence. He waited. 

“Uh, how are you?” She asked.

Her voice sounded a little strange. Nervous? He wasn’t sure and decided to get straight to the point. “Rumour has it you are in Missouri.”

“Yeah.” There was a pause and a small sigh. He imagined her sitting down. “Sorry I didn’t…..I should have called you. I decided to visit my mother.”

“Long way to go.” He didn’t mean to sound quite so curt but the words slipped out before he could soften them slightly. 

“Right.” 

Now she sounded frustrated and he imagined her running her hand through her hair. He wanted to get back on track. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Pause. “Not really…at least not right now. Look.. Umm… “ He heard her take a deep breath. “I guess I was just thinking about you. We should talk. But not on the phone. I wanted to check you were still there. You’re not going to leave or go anywhere?”

“Yup I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere at the moment.” He kept his voice calm, but her words made him feel nervous.

“I’m driving back now...”

He interrupted her. “No you’re not Carrie. It’s a fucking long drive. Have you had any sleep?”

“I’ll be fine.” She sounded irritated.

“No. Get some sleep. There’s no point crashing and dying. It wouldn’t help anyone. In fact it would fucking suck.”

He thought he heard her laugh. 

“Ok. Ok. I’ll get some sleep. But I want to see you. I’ve been thinking about what you said…. And maybe….” There was a long pause. “I guess… maybe…a normal life. I do want to try….” Her voice got quieter as she spoke. She whispered the last bit. But she definitely said it.

He didn’t know what to say. Was that a yes? A maybe? It sounded like a yes. He replayed her words in his head. 

“Quinn?” 

“I’m still here. I’m glad. I’d like to see you too. To talk.” Complete understatement. Shock. He didn’t know what else to say. “I’ll text you the address of the hotel I’m staying at. It’s nice.”

Her reply was just as formal. “Good. Ok. See you when I get back.”

“Drive safely.”

He sat there with the phone in his hand for a few minutes, replaying the conversation in his mind, and then flopped back on the bed again. It did sound like a yes. Now he just had to hope she didn’t change her mind on the long journey back.

 

The next day went slowly. So slowly. It was late when he got her text. Simply saying ‘I’m here.’

Heart pounding he went downstairs immediately. There she was. She was looking at the floor and hadn’t seen him yet so he used the time to pause for a minute and take a deep breath. She was by the door and she was twirling her hair. He thought she looked as nervous as he felt. He noticed she had an overnight bag by her feet and felt a tinge of hope. She wouldn’t have brought her bag in with her if she wasn’t planning on staying. Right?

A wave of apprehension passed through his body. This was it. This could be the start of something or the end. He almost didn’t want to know, almost wanted to turn away and prolong the unknown, but then she looked up, saw him, and stopped twirling her hair. She waved at him and then put her hands by her sides and gave him a small smile. He walked quickly towards her and she made up the distance by walking towards him. He put his arms around her and held her tight. She held him tightly back. They just stood there for a long moment. Oblivious to others. 

“How was your drive? Are you tired?” He asked, still holding her. Lips close to her hair.

“It was fine. I’m fine.”

“Let’s go upstairs. Let’s talk.” He said, still into her hair.

“Sure. Talk.” 

They broke apart and he went to grab her bag, but she frowned and picked it up herself. They walked together back to his room. Shoulders touching. Not saying anything. His mind was blank and he didn’t trust himself not to say something stupid. He didn’t want to risk saying anything that might change her mind. 

The door closed behind them and they faced each other. She dropped her bag to the floor. Silence again. No words. He reached out and tentatively touched her face. She pulled him towards her. The kiss started slowly and grew in passion. Hands everywhere. Clothes falling. They just about made it to the bed. Fluffy pillows thrown out the way.

 

Later he lay awake for a while holding her as she slept. It had been a long time since he felt this happy and calm. And safe. It felt right. He began to allow himself to imagine all the extra things he could add to his checklist….

 

Note:  
Next chapter: the morning after...


	4. The breakfast date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after their reunion the night before

He woke up the next day with a beam of sunlight shining in his face from a gap in the curtains. He was on his left side, facing outwards, and almost didn’t dare rolling over. What if she wasn’t there? He turned slowly. She was. Also lying on her left side and facing him. Still asleep. Blonde hair over her face. She looked peaceful. He wondered what would happen when she woke up. Was she a morning person? He didn’t know. If he thought about it, he didn’t actually know a lot about her at all.

He watched her for a few moments more until she opened her eyes too, before quickly shutting them again. “Stop staring at me” she mumbled. “What time is it?”

“6.45.”

“Too early.” She rolled over onto her front, burying her face in the pillow.

“Coffee?” He sat up slightly.

“Mmmmnnnmphh.” She mumbled something into the pillow.

“What did you say?”

She lifted her head slightly. “It’s too early for that. Come here.” She turned and scooted over towards him, put her head on his shoulder and wrapped an arm over him. Surprised, he put his arm over hers and put his head back down on the pillow, staring at the ceiling and wondering what to do or say next. It was only a few moments before he noticed her breathing change indicating she had fallen asleep again and he closed his eyes too.

When he woke up again they were still in the same position. Her head on his shoulder, her hair in his mouth, her arm over his chest and his arm over her, resting on her back. She was snoring quietly. He shifted slightly and raised his head up to look at the clock on the bedside table. It was now nearly 9am- he hadn’t slept in this late for, well, he couldn’t even remember when. But that wasn’t really too surprising considering the night they had just spent together.

He put his head back down on the pillow and stared up at the ceiling, replaying last night in his head and enjoying the warm feeling that spread over him at just the memory of it. It was nice, feeling so good, but at the same time it was strange. Like it wasn’t him. Like this was just a dream. He almost expected the room around him to fade before his eyes. The solid walls to turn to canvas and the soft comfy bed to turn into rocky ground. He blinked. It didn’t change. It was real.

He turned his head back towards her and her hair tickled his nose. She was real too. But what would happen when she woke up? Would she stay or would she leave? What would he say? He didn’t have much practise at this, the whole morning routine. He tried to stay still but his leg twitched involuntarily and he felt her move in response. Her eyes opened slowly and he spoke first.

“Good morning.”

“Morning. What time is it now?”

“Five past nine.”

“Really? I haven’t slept that long in a while.” She raised herself up, balancing on her elbow and looked at the clock too.

Her hair swished against his face and without thinking he moved his hand up to tuck it back behind her ear, his fingertips tracing her cheek. “Me neither. Guess it was the company.”

“Hmm.” She put her head back down and rested it back on his chest.

He wasn’t sure what to say next and moved his fingers up and down her back. She responded by circling her fingers around and around on his chest. The feeling of his fingers on her bare skin distracted him from his thoughts and he moved in to kiss her. She met him halfway and he pulled her on top of him.

Last night had been a rush. A race to get undressed, clothes flying everywhere, bedsheets thrown out of the way, headboard banging against the wall. The release of long drawn out and pent up tension had made it fast and passionate and loud. Repeated again and again until they had both been worn out. This morning was different. Just as passionate, but slower and quieter. Meaningful. He watched her on top of him, her blonde hair glowing in the beam of sunlight. She was watching him too, her eyes never left his face. She was clearly enjoying the effect she had on him, and he enjoyed the effect he had on her. The sounds and the expression her face made when she briefly closed her eyes.

He wanted to kiss her again, and he flipped her over onto her back. “Hey…” she began to complain, but he silenced her with a kiss. He felt her move her hands up and down his back, scratching gently with her nails. They continued that way. Moving slowly and taking their time.

Afterwards they lay on their backs, shoulders touching. He could hear her breathing was as fast as his was. He felt lightheaded and shaky. This time she spoke first. “Coffee? Breakfast?”

“Yeah definitely. I’m starving.”

“I’ll just take a shower.”

“Sure.” He was tempted to join her, but he felt so light-headed he wasn’t sure he could stand. She stayed still for a few moments more and then kissed him on the cheek. He kissed her back and she smiled and then rolled over. He felt the mattress move as she got off the bed and after a few moments more the sound of the shower.

Fuck. He spoke out loud and rubbed his hand over his face. Fuck. This was it. He had never wanted anything so badly. He hoped she felt the same.

 

 

He got in the shower after she had finished and when he left the bathroom he found her sitting on the bed reading his checklist which he had left on the bedside table.

“What’s this?” She flapped the napkin in his direction.

“My plan for what to do next.”

“So you are serious about getting out?”

“Yes. I’ve already got the process started.”

“Already?” She stared at him, eyebrows raised. “It was that easy? They’re going to let you walk away? Just like that?”

He shrugged. “It’s never that easy. I’m sure there will be several flaming hoops for me to jump through. But I’m serious. I’m not going back.”

She stared at him for a long moment. He could see the concern on her face and knew what she was thinking. He was pretty sure he was thinking the same thing.

She finally spoke. “But…..” He waited, but she didn’t say anything else. She just shook her head slightly and seemed to change her mind about what she was going to say. She looked away from him and focused back on the list. “That’s great. This all looks great.”

He took a deep breath. “What about you? Have you thought about what you want to do now?”

She sighed and put the list down before finally looking up at him again. “I’m not sure. I haven’t really had time to think.”

“That’s fine. Take your time to think about it. It’s a big decision.” He sat down on the bed too, but a little distance away from her.

“What would I even do?”

He heard the slight wobble in her voice and shifted closer to her but somehow didn’t dare touch her. It felt like a dangerous situation. One wrong word or movement and it could be disaster. He thought carefully and spoke slowly. “I can think of plenty of things you would be good at. I can write a list for you if you want.”

He stole a look at her out the corner of her eye and saw her smile and then stand up. “I will think about it. Now come on let’s go. I’m desperate for coffee.”

“What do you want to eat?”

“Anything’s fine, just maybe not….” She stopped talking and bit her lip, a half smile on her face.

“What were you going to say?”

She looked at him with a slightly sheepish look on her face. “Uh, I was going to say anything except waffles..It was a joke. A bad joke. Sorry.” She interjected quickly.

He smiled despite himself. “It’s fine. I never liked waffles anyway. Come on, I know a nice place.”

 

 

He had spent a little bit of time yesterday doing some research and so he knew exactly where he wanted to go. It was a nice day and they sat down at one of the outside tables in a small courtyard with lots of tubs of flowers and a small fountain. They busied themselves with ordering the food. He was hungry so ordered the whole works: eggs, bacon, sausage, tomatoes and toast. She just ordered a blueberry muffin with coffee.

The waitress disappeared and they sat in silence. He looked around the courtyard at the crowded tables around them. It was busy, but luckily they had been given a table tucked away into the corner and there was an empty table as a barrier between them and everyone else. The perfect setting for a conversation and there was a lot they needed to talk about. He had so many questions and so many things he wanted to tell her.

But how would he start the conversation? It had been so easy to talk to her the other night, the night of the funeral. Sure, there had been whisky involved, but he hadn’t been that drunk and he didn’t think she had been either. It had just been easy. But while it had been fun, the conversation had been light and meaningless. They couldn’t do that forever. They couldn’t skirt around the difficult subjects. There were difficult things they needed to discuss and part of him just wanted to get them out in the open right away and find out if they stood a chance.

He blinked as a hand suddenly moved in front of his face and he focused his attention back on Carrie. She had clearly asked him something, but he had no idea what.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“I asked you- how did you find out I was in Missouri?”

“I have my sources.”

“Maggie? Did you talk to her?”

“Yes.” He paused and tried to decide on the best way to explain what happened. “I stopped by the house and she invited me in. She tried to get me to eat more of Lockhart’s lasagne.”

“What did you talk about?”

“She showed me some more of those photo albums.”

“Oh no.” Carrie groaned. “I can’t believe she put all those on show. What did you see?”

“Well, I now know you used to really like purple…”

Carrie let out an embarrassed sigh and rolled her eyes. “Oh wow. It took so long to get my hair back to normal after that. But anyway, now you’ve seen all that about me, I think you should tell me something about you that I don’t know.”

“Um..” he paused as the waitress arrived with their drinks. This was it. This was an opening and an opportunity for him to offer up something personal. Carrie clearly had a lot of questions for him too and just the realisation of this kept his hopeful mood alive. He kept his answer light as he nodded a thanks to the waitress as she placed the coffees in front of them. “Luckily I don’t think there is any photographic evidence of my teenage misdemeanours.”

“What about talkative siblings?”

“Nope. No brothers or sisters.”

“Where did you grow up?”

“You know the answer to that. In Philadelphia.”

“That was true?”

He took a deep breath. One part of him was marvelling how Carrie had so quickly manipulated the conversation from a simple question to an interrogation of sorts about his past but the other part of him was not surprised at all. He had expected this but figuring out what to tell her was tricky. He didn’t want her sympathy, he just wanted her to know.

“That was. But the area, the schools… not so much.” He stalled, while he tried to focus his thoughts.

She raised her eyebrows and made the ‘go on’ gesture with her hand.

He glanced out into the courtyard to check that no-one was paying attention to them- they weren’t, took a deep breath and recited the monologue he had practised yesterday. “I was raised by my grandparents. My grandmother died when I was six and my grandfather died when I was ten. After that I went into foster care. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either. I didn’t exactly pay that much attention in school. Got into trouble more times that I could count…“

He paused, there was more to his speech but he decided to stop talking there. This was difficult and he realised he was shaking slightly. He hadn’t talked to many people about his past, in fact, it was probably the first time he had actually said those words out loud to anyone since his teenage years. It felt strange telling the truth for once but at the same time he was pleased he had been able to share it. It felt like a small triumph. One small brick removed from the wall he had built up around him. He dared himself to look up and see Carrie’s reaction. She had a concerned look on her face.

“I didn’t know that. Thanks for telling me.”

It was the best answer she could have given and his anxiety began to give way to relief. “It’s fine. It wasn’t all bad.” That was the truth too. He thought about his grandfather and the hours they had spent playing and reading together. He thought about the skateboard, the races, his Walkman and the music. He looked at her again and smiled. Maybe revisiting the past wasn’t so bad.

This time she smiled back, put her elbows on the table, and rested her chin on her hand. “I’m trying to imagine you as a rebellious teenager.”

“Imagine away.” He smiled. “I’ve seen all the photos so I don’t have to imagine for you. I even saw the photo of you dressed up like Madonna.”

Carrie groaned again and hid her face with her hand. “I’m going to kill Maggie. I really am. Come on. This still isn’t fair. What else can you tell me? What did you want to do when you were growing up, you can’t have wanted to…” She took a sideways glance and stopped talking.

“I don’t remember really thinking about it. Mostly all I wanted to do was leave Philadelphia. Leave it all behind. I wanted to drive across America and then keep going and travel the world.”

“I saw that on your list. Road trip across the USA.”

“Yeah that’s the plan.”

“Hmm.” She paused, a wistful look on her face. “That reminds me. My dad always wanted to do that too. He wanted to get away, drive across the country, and just go where the road took us. We almost did it one weekend. We drew Xs on a map, marking out the places we wanted visit. We wanted to drive all the way to California.” She smiled. “Maggie told our mother and she took the car keys away from him. Good job she did, or else we probably would have gone.”

 _‘So come with me now. Let’s just leave. Get away from it all. Go on an adventure.’_ That was what he wanted to say. It was on the tip of his tongue. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t imagine her reaction. Would she say yes, no? Tell him he was crazy? Would she leave? Drive back to Missouri? Drive even further away?

She was still staring at him. “Are you going to go?”

“Huh?” He heard her, but wasn’t sure how to answer the question. “Uh…” he stalled for time, trying to think of the best thing to say. He knew what he wanted to say and in a burst of courage decided to just do it. He took a deep breath. “I guess it depends on what happens here. What happens next. With us. I want to stay here, with you.”

“Oh.” She looked away for a second but not before he caught the look of panic on her face. It reminded him of the other night and his heart dropped.

There was a small moment of silence but then she looked up at him again with a shy smile on her face. “I guess you will be staying around here for a bit longer then.”

“Good. That’s what I want.” It was all he could say.

He smiled at her again. She smiled back and this time the silence between them didn’t feel quite so awkward.

“So if you did go on this road trip, where would you go first?” she asked.

“Well….” After that the conversation flowed easily between them. Laughing and comparing plans.

 

 

They were interrupted by the waitress arriving with their food. The family sitting nearest to them were talking loudly and he couldn’t help but be distracted as he ate his food. They were laughing loudly, looking at photos and teasing each other.  
He looked up from his food. Carrie was clearly distracted by the other conversation too. She looked deep in thought but seemed to sense he was looking at her and looked up. He rolled his eyes and she smiled.

With one last noisy clatter the family paid their bill and left the table. The café had emptied out quite a lot by this time and there were only a few other customers in the courtyard.

“Silence at last!” he took a final sip of his coffee, put his fork down and leaned back in his chair.

“They were a bit loud but they seemed like a happy family…Do you ever think….” Carrie’s voice trailed off.

He heard that slight wobble in her voice again and pursed his lips. Unsure at the sudden change in mood. He kept quiet, waiting to see what she said next.

“I feel like I should explain why I went to Missouri. But I don’t know how to explain it- even to myself. I was overwhelmed. Everything was falling apart and then you offered me hope. It was unexpected and I panicked. I’m sorry about that, but you have to know that it did make me think. About my life, about my dad’s life. I guess part of the reason I went to Missouri was to run away, to escape, but another part of me really did want to get answers. To talk to my mother and try to get an answer for at least one of the million questions in my head.”

He wasn’t sure what to say or whether to reveal what Maggie had told him about their past and their mother. “How did it go? What did you find out?”

“My mother walked out years ago. I always thought it was because of my dad, and his condition. Our condition. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t about him. It was about her. Turns out I have a brother. A fucking 15 year old half brother. That was why she left.”

He put his hand across the table and put it over hers but kept silent.

“I spent all my life thinking one thing, thinking I was always going to be alone, but now….”

Silence. Words rolled around in his head. He tried to bring them together into a sentence. When he did speak the words came out quickly with barely a space for breath. “I’ve spent a lot of my life on my own. I’ve never really felt like I connected with anyone. Until I met you. We had a connection, instantly. It was bad timing, I know it was, but I meant what I said the other night. I meant every word. I want to be with you. I want to get out of here and start a new life and I want to try that with you.”

“I think I want that too.”

He wasn’t able to say anything else. He had a lump in his throat and was suddenly aware at what a public place they were in. He put some cash down on the table and stood up. Held out his hand. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Let’s go.” She took his hand without hesitation and they walked away arm in arm, back to the hotel.

There weren’t many words exchanged between them for the rest of the afternoon.

 

 

Notes: Okay, so this was meant to be the last chapter but I got carried away with writing and it began to get a little bit too long. There will be one more chapter coming soon......


	5. Several months later...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Several months later.....

One of the many things he had learned about Carrie in the past few months, along with the fact that she definitely wasn’t a morning person, that she snored (but refused to believe how loud it was) and that for some inexplicable reason she refused to eat the crusts on bread, was that she had an inability to be on time. Today that was a problem because he was ridiculously early for meeting her at Maggie’s house. He couldn’t help it. He hadn’t been able to sleep last night in excited anticipation for the next few weeks ahead. Because today was the day. Departure day for their first holiday together- a road trip up to New England to see the fall colours. He couldn’t wait to get going.

After a little bit of deliberation he decided to drive his car around the block a few times before knocking on the door. He felt slightly guilty about it but if he was truthful with himself, and that was what he was trying to do recently, he wanted to avoid spending too much time alone with Maggie. He had spent a lot of time at her house over the past few months and, while he really liked her, she always had a lot of questions for him. Especially if it was just the two of them on their own. He knew she meant well and was genuinely interested in finding out more about him but he still wasn’t quite comfortable with that sort of conversation yet. It was another reminder that despite how well things were going, he still had a lot of things to work on.

 

He found himself on the same street he’d been parked on so many months before. Some of the trees were just beginning to change colour from green to yellow and red but otherwise everything looked the same. It was a lovely day, the sky was clear and blue and the birds were still flitting about in the trees. He could even see his old friend, the tabby cat, sitting on a front porch with all four legs tightly tucked underneath its body.

He parked the car and silently considered everything that had happened since then. Everything that had changed since their first kiss in the moonlight. The street might look the same but his life was now completely different. The last time he had been here he had been anxious, nervous, lost and unsure about what was ahead. But today he knew exactly what was ahead and was excited about it.

 

They had no time limit, they were both free. It hadn’t taken Carrie more than a few days to decide she wanted out too, and they had both passed through the intense exit process relatively unscathed. Carrie’s experience had been much easier and she’d been processed out fairly quickly with minimal fuss from Saul. It had taken much longer for him, but after multiple meetings he’d finally managed to convince everyone that he would be able to keep his shit together, his head down and his mouth shut.

To say Dar Adal wasn’t happy with him was a complete understatement, but he’d stood his ground and importantly it seemed like the rest of the group had followed Rob’s lead and backed him up. Adal’s signature had been the last one he needed and for a while it hadn’t looked at all likely he would actually get it. But one day he had arrived for a meeting and the sheet of paper with the signature on it had been waiting for him right there on the table. He figured there must be a story behind that, some sort of deal must have been struck, but he had no interest in finding out what that was. Since then he hadn’t heard anything more from Adal. He was still looking over his shoulder but he hadn’t had any more unwelcome visits. He probably owed Rob a beer. Not that he ever planned on seeing him again.

 

His mind wandered back to that day. The day he was finally free. The emotions were still clear in his mind. Not happiness. Not excitement. Not relief. Instead he had been gripped by fear, guilt and regret that he hadn’t done this sooner. He had gone back home and just sat on the sofa holding the sheet of paper in his hands and reading the same words over and over. He had then gone for a very long walk and ended up in a sketchy bar with a shot of whisky in front of him. He had sat there for a long time, contemplating his life and everything that had happened for him to end up at that particular moment. Did he deserve this? That was the main question in his mind.

In the end he hadn’t drunk the shot. He had called Carrie and she had driven straight over to pick him up. There had been no questions, no anger, just silent support.

That had been the day he had decided to share more details about his past with her and tell her the whole story. He had showed her the box of his possessions and explained it all to her. About his mother and her struggles, the years he spent with his loving grandparents, the years in foster care, and the years after that. She had listened to it all without judgement and then shared stories of her own. They had talked all night. The next morning, while they were lying in bed together, she had suggested taking this road trip. He had agreed right away.

 

He had been planning it out since then. Carrie continually made fun of him for organising it so carefully, checking the route and all the accommodation out on Google maps. She wanted to re-capture her father’s spirit for adventure and just draw some Xs on a map and drive into the unknown. He disagreed.

It hadn’t been the only disagreement in the past few months, but they always had fun making up again. Lots of fun. Overall things had been good. He still wondered if he deserved all this and the dark thoughts and the bad dreams were still there but he was learning how to deal with them and the nightmares had slowly been becoming less frequent. Therapy had been a requirement for the exit process and after it was over he had decided to keep going. Sometimes Carrie came along with him too. He wasn’t sure how well the therapy was working, but he knew that talking to Carrie definitely helped.

 

In the beginning they decided to take things slowly. They were both too used to living a solitary life and they didn’t want to rush things. Carrie had decided to stay living with Maggie for the time being. He didn’t really understand their sibling dynamics and how they drove each other crazy, but Maggie had been a big help, especially with Franny.

Carrie had temporarily gone back to teaching classes at the college while she looked into other options. He had bought a small house and filled his time renovating and re-decorating it. It was finished now though and he needed to decide what to do with it. There were two options in his mind. Option one was to ask Carrie to move in with him but that would mean staying where they were. Option two related back to the checklist he still carried with him. He still wanted to get away, travel across the USA, and he wanted Carrie and Franny to come with him. He didn’t know what to do but this holiday seemed like a good test. To see if they could spend a few weeks travelling in a car together without killing each other.

Because while the past few months had been good, the doubts were still there. He couldn’t help feeling slightly apprehensive and slightly concerned that she might change her mind. Sitting here, in that same spot, he couldn’t help remembering that morning and finding out she had run away to Missouri. What if...

 

On that thought he couldn’t wait any longer and drove over to Maggie’s house. The front door swung open right away and Carrie greeted him with a smile and wrapped her arms around him. He hugged her back tightly. This never got old. No matter how many times he had greeted her in the past few months he always enjoyed the feel of his arms around her. It was the thing that had started all of this. That hug. He moved his hands slowly up and down her back and in return he felt one of her hands move upwards to his neck and the other move lower down his back. He pulled back slightly and bent down to kiss her. It quickly became much more than a hello kiss- it always did. He couldn’t wait to get her alone. Almost forgetting where they were he slowly backed her into the wall and…

“Hi, are you all ready….. oh oops. Sorry to interrupt.” Maggie suddenly appeared in the hallway and they jumped apart. “Jeez guys. Are you even going to do any sightseeing while you are away or are you just going to see the insides of hotel rooms?” she teased.

He looked away embarrassed. Still not quite sure how to deal with Maggie.

Carrie rolled her eyes. “Ready to go?” She asked pulling away from him slightly but taking hold of his hand instead.

“More than ready.”

“If you start loading up the car, I’ll just go and get Franny.”

She kissed him on the cheek and turned to go back upstairs. He watched her walk up the stairs and then turned back to the hallway. He raised his eyebrows at the number of bags that had been piled up and thought back to the one suitcase he had in the car.

He grabbed a bag, Maggie grabbed another, and they walked out to the car together.

 

“I’m so happy for you guys. And so jealous.” Maggie jabbed him in the side with her elbow.

“Thanks.”

“If you need anything just give me a call. Anything.”

“Will do.” He busied himself by putting the bags in the car, but when he turned around she surprised him by throwing her arms around him. He patted her back awkwardly.

Over her shoulder he saw Carrie appear from the house holding Franny. She grinned at him sensing his discomfort.

Maggie let him go and watched as they packed the last of the things in the car.

Maggie kissed Franny goodbye and then hugged Carrie too. He saw her whisper something in Carrie’s ear which made her frown. “Okay okay. It’s just a few weeks Maggie. I’ll miss you too. Bye.”

“Take care. Call me.”

“We will.” Carrie rolled her eyes again.

“Oh no, I almost forgot… wait here.” Maggie darted back into the house.

He looked at Carrie who shrugged her shoulders and turned around to strap Franny into her car seat.

 

Maggie returned with two cassette tapes and two CDs in her hands. “No road trip is complete without a mix tape. Look what I found when I was going through dad’s stuff. Do you remember these Carrie?” She held out one of the cassette tapes and Carrie took it from her. “This was our tape- the one that use to drive dad mad on our trips to the cabin.”

“Of course I remember! The ‘fucking awful noise’ as he used to call it.” Carrie smiled at the memory. “Our dad, always the wordsmith.”

“Like father, like daughter.”

“Fuck you.” She poked him good naturedly and went back to studying the tape. “Wow, there are some classic songs on here. Hey- didn’t he throw this tape out the car window once?”

“Yes! We made him stop and pick it up and it was absolutely fine!”

“I remember.” Carrie began to look a bit emotional.

“And this was his retaliation tape.” Maggie quickly handed over the second tape. “The ‘dull boring dad music’ tape! Every listen of one tape had to be followed by the other.”

“I had forgotten all about this.” Carrie turned the tapes over in her hands and looked like she was trying not to cry.

“Anyway, you obviously can’t play the tapes anymore but I burned all the songs onto a CD.”

“Thanks so much Maggie.” Carrie gave back the tapes, took the CD and gave Maggie another hug.

 

“And this CD is for you,” said Maggie with a wink to Quinn. “Enjoy… “

He took the CD from her. It was Britney Spears’ Greatest Hits. “Uh, thanks” he felt himself reddening slightly. “I’ll put it on full blast.”

Carrie looked curiously from him to Maggie. “What on earth Maggie? What’s going on?”

“Nothing. It’s just an in-joke.” Maggie grinned.

“Bye Maggie.” He interrupted before she could say anything more and gave Carrie a gentle push towards the car. “Let’s get going.”

 

They got in the car. He looked first to Franny safely secured in her car seat and pulled a funny face at her. He then looked over to Carrie on the right of him. “Ready to go?”

“Yep let’s go.”

He smiled at her. “Well, let’s go. Let’s get out of here.”

He started the car and they drove off slowly down the street, watching the rear-view mirror as Maggie waved madly after them.

 

“Excited?” he asked her as he put his hand on her knee.

“I can’t wait.” She smiled back at him.

He tried to concentrate on driving but his heart was beating fast and his mind was racing. He could barely focus on the road. He pulled into a side street and stopped the car.

“What’s going on? Are you ok?” Carrie looked concerned.

Thoughts flowed through his head. He knew what he wanted to say to her. Of all the things they had talked about there was still one thing he hadn’t said to her yet. He was sure she knew. She had to. But he wanted to tell her. There just hadn’t been that moment yet when the words had come out. He’d planned on telling her on the trip. Maybe in front of a lake or cabin, or maybe while standing in a carpet of red leaves. This wasn’t the most romantic spot but he suddenly didn’t want to wait any longer.

“Six months ago, I was sat in my car very near to this spot. It was the morning after the… funeral. It was the moment I realised I wanted my life to change. I wanted to see you but I was worried… I guess for good reason as it turned out.” He stole a look at Carrie and saw her smile. “But you came back and my life hasn’t been the same since. I wanted to say… I wanted you to know…” He paused. This was so difficult. He took a deep breath. “I love you. You know that right?” He held his breath and looked down.

After a few moments he saw her hand slowly creep over and take his hand. “I love you too.”

It was quiet, almost a whisper. But she definitely said it.

Relief washed over him but he still didn’t dare look at her. “Sorry, this wasn’t the best….”

“Sshh.” She leaned over, gently turned his face with her hand and interrupted him with a kiss. They were lost in each other for several moments.

“You know, my house isn’t too far from here….” He started as they briefly pulled away from each other.

“Let’s go..” She interrupted quickly.

 

A little time later they were back on the road again. Cheesy 80s music blasting from the speakers. _#Nothing’s gonna stop us now.#_ He tapped his hands on the steering wheel and thought back to the checklist in his pocket . Carrie hadn’t seen the latest version or the things he had added to it. He smiled. There were plenty more things he was planning on getting crossed off that list. This was just the beginning.

 

 

 

_End Note:_

_That's all I've written for now. I enjoyed writing this and hope you enjoyed reading it. Thanks to everyone who read and commented on it. Much appreciated. ;-)_


	6. Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bonus chapter to celebrate Autumn/Fall and Halloween. It has more details about their road trip to New England and also it's Halloween! Who will they dress up as for Maggie's Halloween party?!

“Come on, come on. Hurry up!”

Quinn grinned as Carrie shifted from one foot to another next to him. He was used to her impatience by now and it was almost a reflex action to place a calming hand on her arm. After over three weeks on the road together he liked to think they knew each other pretty well. Bad habits, quirks and pet peeves were all out in the open and luckily it seemed neither of them had found out anything about the other to scare them away and send them running for the hills.

 

The vacation had been everything he had hoped it would be.  They had travelled all the way up to Maine on the first leg of the journey and then slowly made their way back down the coast to Boston. Visiting small towns, sampling the local foods, taking long walks, admiring the trees and the beautiful scenery and taking hundreds of photographs. They had even seen a moose. But the trip was almost over now and they had just a few more days left in Boston before travelling back home.

Today they had spent the whole day walking the Freedom Trail and were now in the Public Garden, where they were waiting for a young family to finish taking photos in front of the Ducklings statue. He tightened his grip on her arm as the father put his young son in yet another pose.

“Fffs sake.” Carrie muttered, taking a step forward.

Suddenly worried that she might attempt to physically move the family on, he decided this situation required more than a calming hand and reached around to pull her closer to him. She responded immediately by snuggling her head under his chin and wrapping her arms around him. He kissed the top of her head, squeezed her back tightly and looked over her shoulder at the park around them. It was picture perfect. The trees were a mixture of golden and red and the late afternoon light was casting long shadows across the grass. He sighed. This whole trip had been perfect. He didn’t want it to end.  Except maybe he did. He had made his decision. He wanted her to move in with him. He didn’t want to keep moving around, he wanted stability. He wanted Carrie and Franny. He wanted to see them every day. He wanted to wake up next to Carrie and go to sleep next to her at the end of the day. It was that simple. He just needed to ask her if she wanted that too. He hoped she did.

She pulled away from him slightly, straightened his scarf, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He was about to move in for a proper kiss when she pulled away from him completely.

“Oh they’ve finished, thank fuck!! Quick before anyone else moves in.” She picked Franny out of the stroller, dashed over to the mother duckling statue and began fussing with Franny’s hat. He took a photo as she was trying to get Franny to hold up one of the many red maple leaves they had collected throughout the day.

“No wait, not now. I wasn’t looking….”

He waited.

“Ok now.”

“Smile! Say cheese.” He scrutinised the camera screen. “I think you blinked.” A movement out the corner of his eye distracted him and he turned to see an older couple watching them. Out of habit he quickly assessed them. Early 60s, on holiday and clearly not a threat. They both smiled at him and he returned the smile with a friendly nod of his head.

“Would you like us to take a photo of the three of you?” asked the woman.

He assessed them again. They looked fit and healthy for their age but definitely no match for him in a foot chase. And besides, the camera around the man’s neck was at least double the price of their own camera. He looked over to Carrie, who also nodded.

“Sure, thank you.” He handed the camera to the man and walked over to Carrie. He put his arm around her and she leaned into him with a smile. Franny giggled between them.

“What a beautiful family.” The woman inspected the photo her husband has just taken. “Just lovely.”

 _Family._ The thought made his heart flutter in his chest and he pulled Carrie tighter to him. Smiling as he felt her hand creep lower down his back and attempt to find a way under his coat.

“Perfect.” The man took one final photo and handed the camera back.

 

“Let me see.” Carrie leaned over when they were alone again and her hair swished against his cheek. “That is a nice photo.”

“Yeah.” He pulled her close and kissed her over the top of Franny’s head.

“Hmm” She pressed herself against him. “What do you want to do now…?”

“Well….” He knew what he wanted to do, but one glance at Franny who was wriggling and giggling in Carrie’s arms suggested they had a bit more time to kill before going back to the hotel room. “I’d die for a cup of coffee.”

“Lead the way.”

 

“So what do you want to do for the final few days we have left?” He blew the steam from his drink and enjoyed the warm feel of the coffee cup on his hands. It had been a long day of walking and sightseeing. Another thing he had learned was that Carrie didn’t exactly take it easy on holiday.

“Not sure. Let me see what’s on…” Carrie pulled out her phone. “Oh look- there’s a zombie walk in Salem. That’s not too far from here. It sounds like fun- we could dress up…..”

“Uh..I don’t know Carrie. I’m not a fan of…”

“Oh crap, this is out of date. We missed it, it has already happened. Look at this photo. This lady dressed her baby up too!”

He frowned at the photo and put his hand on Franny’s stroller in an automatic protective gesture. “No make-up on Franny. And none on me either. I’m not dressing up.”

“What?! No. Why not?”

“It’s just…. zombies… monsters….not my thing.”

 “Oh.” He looked up to see she suddenly had a serious look on her face. “Sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Is it the blood….the….?”

“No, no.” He interrupted, feeling a little bit embarrassed but also moved by her concern. He put his hand over hers. “No, nothing like that. I just don’t like dressing up. That’s all.”

“Hmm.” She cocked her head to one side. “Why not? Come on, you must be a master of disguise…Wigs, moustaches… What’s the best disguise you’ve used?”

“No wigs. Not ever. They just look fake. Maybe the odd false moustache…”

Carrie laughed into her coffee cup. “Oh no. I can’t imagine that...”

“I’ve always thought that the best option is just to blend in and not wear anything to draw attention to yourself.”

“Huh, you’re no fun. And I’ve got bad news for you. I’ve already told Maggie we’re going to her Halloween party. Costumes are mandatory!”

He sighed and didn’t say anything. He knew when he was defeated.

“It doesn’t have to be a horror costume,” she continued. “It could be anything. Bill was Mr Tickle last year- although actually that was a little bit horrifying. We could pick a TV couple, film, political couple….” Her voice faded and she stared into space looking for inspiration.

He smiled at her enthusiasm. “Ok, just pick a handsome man and I’ll be that guy. That’s easy. No effort required.”

“Hah right.” She still looked lost in thought. Her eyes fixed on Franny who was hugging her toy bunny tightly and thankfully beginning to look a little sleepy. “What about a rabbit? Peter Rabbit?”

“Are you kidding?” He looked at her. It was hard to tell. She had a big grin on her face. Hopefully she was.

“Come on, it would be so cute. Bunny ears… a blue jacket…” She held up a picture of Peter Rabbit on her phone.

“Where are his trousers?” He couldn’t help but laugh. 

“You could wear a long blue jacket or sweater….just a sweater…” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

“No. Just no Carrie.” He was laughing hard now and had to put his coffee cup down. ”I’m not going pants-less to your sister’s party… maybe for another occasion?!” He raised his eyebrows back at her.

“Hmmm, sounds interesting. Well, we’ll see about that later.” He felt her foot brush against his leg under the table. “But right now let’s focus on this. Keep thinking. Couples costumes. Mulder and Scully? But I’m not sure about the red hair… or being an FBI agent for the night.  Leslie and Ben? No. That wouldn’t be obvious enough. Ooh I’ve got it! Buffy and Spike! How do you feel about blonde hair?” She showed him another photo on her phone.

“I already told you. No wigs. And what’s with the peroxide hair anyway? Vampires should be dark and brooding.”

“Well that’s Angel. But no. Spike’s so much sexier.”

 “Spike? Angel? I’ve never watched that shit Carrie. I’ll wear vampire teeth and a leather jacket. But not the hair.”

“I don’t believe you. You must have seen at least one episode.”

“No, I haven’t. Any show where the main character dies not once, but twice, is just ridiculous!”

“Ah ha, so you have seen it.”

“Okay, okay. Maybe one or two episodes.”

Carrie folded her arms. Head to one side. Eyebrow raised.

“Or three or four. I suppose Spike was kinda cool.”

“Definitely. But I accept your point about the hair.” She swiped her fingers over the phone a few more times. “How about this?” She turned the phone to him and showed him what she was looking at.

It actually wasn’t a bad idea. He quite liked it. “Interesting. That could work.”

“Great! Now we just need to find the costumes… and maybe a blue sweater for you to wear later.”

He smiled and looked down at Franny who was now fast asleep in her stroller. “Why don’t we go back to the hotel room right now?”

“Great plan.” She stood up immediately, her chair almost toppling over in her rush.

 

They walked hand in hand back through the gardens on the way back to the hotel. The sun was beginning to set and the sky was a mixture of oranges, pinks and reds. The trees were glowing in the light and the whole setting looked magical. They crossed the bridge over the small lake and stopped at the middle to admire the reflection of the trees in the water. A slight gust of wind sent some leaves flurrying down around them in a small cascade of red.

Carrie sighed and leaned against him. “This has been a perfect vacation.”

“It has.”  He picked a leaf out of her hair. “It has.”

“Have you thought about what you want to do when we get back?”

His heart began to beat a little bit faster and he took a deep breath. He had been planning to ask her on the final night but now seemed like the perfect time and the words fell out of his mouth before he had time to stop and think about them. “Carrie. I was wondering. And you can take your time to think about it. It doesn’t have to be right away. But I would really like for you and Franny to move in with me. Either to my house. Or to another house. I think….” He realised he was rambling and stopped talking when she put her hand on his chest.

“I don’t need any time to think about it. I’d love to. As soon as we get back I want to move in with you.”

“Good. That’s good.” It was all he could say. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her again as another flurry of leaves danced around them. “That’s perfect.”

 

 

_October 31 st. Maggie’s Halloween party_

 

He fiddled with his outfit in front of the mirror. The collar was a little tight, and perhaps the ruffled shirt was a bit much, but otherwise it looked good. He adjusted his top hat slightly. Yes very good. He’d happily wear this type of thing more often.

He glanced at the clock on the bedside table. It was inexplicably covered by a bra. In fact the whole bedroom was a complete mess. Since Carrie had moved in his whole house had turned from sparse and tidy into a jumbled chaos. But he didn’t mind at all.

 

He knocked on the bathroom door. Extremely impatient to see what she looked like. “Come on Carrie, it’s getting late. Maggie wanted us to be there early for trick or treating.”

“Just a minute.” He ended up waiting for five before the bathroom door finally swung open. “I’m ready.”

He gasped. He couldn’t help it. She looked beautiful.  “Miss Bennet!”

“Mr Darcy.” She gave a brief curtsey.

“Wow, I’m…. I’m in awe!“ He tried to think of a way to respond in character but was honestly a little speechless. He moved closer to her, took her hand and spun her around slowly before holding her close. They moved slowly together in a slow dance.

“You look pretty handsome yourself.” She murmured in his ear. “Just try to stay away from Maggie’s garden pond alright? You’re already pretty damn irresistible.”

He kissed her neck, once, twice, and ran his hand up and down her back, trying to find a gap in the clothing.

She slapped his hand away teasingly and pulled away slightly. “Hey now. It took me 30 minutes to put this on. I’m not taking it off again right away.”

“Well maybe there is a way underneath it?!” He struggled for a few moments with the layers, but was defeated. “No it’s impossible. How did they get things done in those days?”

“I think it must have been very frustrating for them. But listen. It’s just a few hours of talking and dancing and then we can get right back here. Does that sound ok?”

“Ok.” He pouted, reluctantly taking a step back. “But no dancing.”  

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

If you recognise the Buffy/Spike bit, I took it from something I posted on LJ a few months ago- a mini fic written for Busybee's Carrie bites Quinn prompt!!


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